By: ‘Big Sexxy’ ~Single like a Pringle~

The events proceeding are a retelling of a typical Saturday during my tenure here at our glorious center of higher education. The following is based on actual events; only the names and events have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.

A usual Saturday for yours truly begins sometime between noon and 2 p.m., which is a result of two primary factors. One, our on-campus cafe stops serving breakfast at the outrageously early hour of 2 p.m. in the afternoon, thus I must be up before this time.

The second contributing factor to the time I might arise is due in part to the level of copious amounts of “Mountain Dew” I consumed at various galas and or events the night before. If, for example, I consumed a full 2-liter, I will probably not become conscious until at least 4 p.m.

In the event this occurs, I will have in fact missed cafe breakfast and will be forced to resort to scrounging food from the supplies of my housemate, Rufus Plowman (a renowned movie critic, hip-hop connoisseur and aspiring playwright).

After awaking from my slumber, it is normally time for a shower, which is preceded by a ceremonial fecal removal. This usually takes anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, depending on how much YouTube I watch.

I may also brush my teeth during this time, but that depends heavily on the level of body hair left in the sink from the shaving of extremities by my other housemate, Mustafa Jameson.

Following my morning rituals I enjoy spending a few moments playing Tinder, the popular mobile device game similar to Words With Friends, in the hopes of beating my high score of nine matches in one day.

I may also publish a self-portrait to my Instagram account during this time while sporting the same deadpan expression I have in every photo on my account.

In addition, I may choose to exercise and run off the extra carbs from the night before. However this usually amounts to running a block, then walking four blocks and repeating the process. Other afternoon activities may include frolicking in the many beautiful parks located throughout the city, perusing the selections at local goodwill stores for a particularly choice outfit for the evening and engorging on the many barbecue establishments we are graced with as citizens of Cincinnati.

As evening arrives, I spend at least an hour contacting acquaintances to see what the night might hold in store for me. Most Saturday nights begin with purchasing a case of the finest all-natural low-calorie brew.

From here I pop in and out of local events spread out in the Xavier community as well as the more incompetent area near the University of Cincinnati (though I am quite confident their administration confused the words “community college” with “university”). Most of these social events prove to be quite lackluster in enjoyment, but some may prove worthwhile.

One night in particular, a few of my fondest lads and I spent our entire evening riding on the campus “drunk bus,” greeting each new rider with a fine light brew and unbridled sense of camaraderie. In addition, I spend some Saturday evenings at the local beer garden on Dana Avenue, a truly beautiful and quaint establishment.

Other nights may include annual screenings of selections from Rufus’s film collection and most often his favorite film, “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.”

The most enjoyable nights, I must a say, are those when my other housemates, Joseph Johnson and Gill Morman, accompany me to perform shenanigans throughout campus.

These activities include but are not limited to: heckling intoxicated students as they arrive back on campus, dropping food and other perishable items down the stairwells of dorms and moving trash receptacles from their proper locations.

If the night ends well I will have made it successfully back to my bed from my adventures. If not, I may “black out” from all the enjoyment of the evening and settle on a random couch or sidewalk. From there I will spend the following weekdays recovering and preparing for the following weekend.

This has been a retelling of a typical Saturday for your author. If have learned anything at this university it is that the police notes of the week are challenges to be topped and should be treated as more of hall of fame than anything else. Finally, eat more chocolate and help us make America great again.