Star Wars fanfic written by someone who knows nothing about Star Wars

“Cloudy Moon” drawing by Annie DeGrood

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….

“Okay, I’m going to stop you right there.” The entire class whips their heads around to the door. I burst through the double doors in the back of the classroom and waltz to the front where Master Yoda was standing. I stare him down until he floats away from the chalk board and settles behind the large study style dark-finished oak desk.

Behind Master Yoda, written very low on the chalkboard, since he’s so short, was “The Basics of Jedi-ism”

“You can’t just teach these muggles how to be Jedi masters!” I spat at Master Yoda. “They know nothing. They will not learn anything and, quite frankly, it’s a waste of everyone’s time.”

“Nothing they know now, later they might,” Master Yoda slowly states, begrudgingly. He starts to levitate the chalk to re-write his lesson.

“No!” I shout angrily, smacking down the chalk to punctuate my words. “They are incompetent! They are No-Maj’s! What makes you think they are capable of comprehending the complexity and power that comes with the magic of being a Jedi?

“I started off just like them, I know. But I am the exception! I have taken note of all the knowledgeable books, and only I can PROPERLY teach them how to be Jedi masters.”

I pick up the whitest and longest piece of chalk I can find and frantically scrawl across the forest green chalkboard. As I write the actual basics on how to become a Jedi master, I shout extra details over my shoulder to the class.

“To be the ultimate Jedi Master you have to catch ‘em all. All the creatures that are ells tall must be captured in the magical peppermint colored sphere of captivity.

“No matter what, don’t let the Muggles, that would be you, get you down. They can be tricky and are spread all throughout the Four Fathering lands.”

“And most importantly, when you are telling stories and chronicling your adventures across the far-off Galaxy of the Guardians make sure it’s all out of order!!!” With that, I sweep my hand over everything I have written. “You see there? You can’t read anything I just told you about. There is no way to look back and know what belonged where or the order the events happened in.

“Time is non-linear. I will reveal in the beginning who the most evil character is and give his backstory before even attempting to explain exactly why this man is so evil. And to make matters worse, he’s the father of the hero AND the heroine…who ends up falling in love at one point. AND THEY’RE FULL SIBLINGS!”

The students sitting in the class, dressed in armor, cloaks and clothing that eerily resemble potato sacks begin to slowly gather their stuff. They inch away to the door as I continue to write the timeline of the Jedi history in Klingon.

“NOTHING MAKES SENSE,” I quietly mutter to myself. I compose myself and turn quickly to explain the Force to the students, only to find an empty room. A lone sheet of paper flutters to the floor, and the right door softly shuts.

“To know nothing, you seem,” Master Yoda states before evaporating away.

Abrena Rowe is a senior psychology major who has never opened a Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings book and watched the original Star Wars at ages 5, 6 and 9. She has vague memories of all three.