By Andrew Kramer, Newswire Intern 

As Halloween approaches, students search for the best costumes to dazzle their friends with their superior dress-up know-how. For those who cannot find the inspiration for how to garb themselves, fret not, as the Xavier Newswire is here to help. 

The best costumes are sometimes the simplest. Pirates are one of the most underrated. All this costume takes is an eyepatch and baggy button-down shirt. Add a parrot and tri-corner hat, and no one would ask why you are also carrying a bottle of rum. 

A classic costume with a funny spin can turn heads at any Halloween event. One expected costume, a clown, can be made to outshine a simple circus performer. Simply throw on some business professional attire and walk with confidence. You can say you are a clown, but we will know you mean politician. 

It is currently undisclosed exactly how many Blue Blob costumes exist on Xavier’s campus. Getting access to one may first require some bribery of Xavier’s board members, as not just anyone can wear the suit. Or maybe it is not a costume, and there truly is a Blue Blob hiding in the Cintas Center’s ductwork that comes out when it hears the roar of the basketball crowd. 

Always a favorite of the crowd, a punny costume can be one of the easiest to pull off. Whether you will be gluing Smarties to a pair of sweatpants (“Smarty Pants”) or covering yourself in identical pictures of a cat (“Copycat”), these will get a big laugh for approximately one and a half seconds, even if they were thrown together an hour before you needed a costume. 

Maybe do not wear this next costume while still on Xavier’s property to avoid a potential beating by some overly zealous classmates. A UC Bearcat costume will help explorative Musketeers investigate what life is really like on the other side of Reading Road. Or if your friends are getting together for some in-costume basketball, this can be a perfect excuse for being bad. 

On a day where ghosts and ghouls have become so common that they are no longer scary, the best way to give a fright is by dressing as something truly terrifying: Hailstones Hall. Seriously though, this haunted house should be a hotspot in the middle of campus, but no student is ever seen exiting. Throw on some old clothes, do not wash the dandruff out of your hair and avoid other students to fully capture Hailstone’s neglect and need of a fresh coat of paint. 

This last costume will take every penny of a Xavier student’s oddly specific $80 printing budget. Dress as the Xavier Newswire. Print out these fine pieces of literary merit and glue them to a T-shirt. Lord knows that the Newswire does not have enough money to print physical papers, but you do! 

Whether you are enjoying the nightlife in the costume you spent months creating for this singular night, or will be hunkering down with your lights off pretending you are not home, have a Happy Halloween.