Features: “Unqualified and Extremely Sarcastic Advice from your Norwood Pessimist” and Extras

Photo courtesy of Maddy Lancaster

How to have the best spring break:

While many of my fellow peers will be traveling to extravagant destinations such as South Padre Island, Miami and Panama City Beach, I will be spending my spring break at home with my parents and dogs. While this may sound lame to some people, I cannot imagine a better way to spend my senior year spring break. Forget about the long days spent sunbathing on the beach followed by a night out partying with your friends, rinse and repeat. How about a week spent going to all the Civil War battle sites in Virginia that you’ve already been to a thousand times? I can’t imagine a more riveting experience.Once horribly depressed from thinking about the disgraces of our country, you can end the night watching a movie with the ‘rents! Since all of the good movies are rated R, you are almost certain to experience an awkward sex scene where your father insists on fast-forwarding through it because we can’t ever acknowledge the act that brought you into existence. In conclusion, if you do not have extravagant plans for spring break, don’t fret! I am sure you’ll find something enthralling to do.

How to become president:

If you want to become president, your path to success seems pretty clear to me.

Step 1) Be born as a White male into a privileged family. Step 2) Only receive millions of dollars as a loan from your father to start up your first company. Step 3) Become a “successful” businessman and have a tower named after you on 5th Avenue in New York City. Step 4/5) File for bankruptcy and become a reality T.V. star in whichever order you please. Step 6) Say something racist, sexist and offensive and then claim you never said it. Step 7) Surprise! You are now president.

How to be a good parent:

The key to being a good parent is all about the gifts you get your kids for their birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s day, the Fourth of July, President’s Day and, most importantly, April Fool’s Day. Who cares about unfaltering support and love for your children? Everyone knows it’s all about being as materialistic as possible. Your kid wants to go to college? Boooooo, what they really need is a top-of-the-line hover board to increase the laziness of American society, followed by a long list of gifts that may include a house, car, job and anything and everything else that will make them dependent on you for the rest of their lives. I read on Fox News that child-parent dependency is trending, so it must be true.

By: Maddy Lancaster ~Copy Editor~

Word Search


  • Spring Break
  • Travel
  • Relax
  • Vacation
  • Gladness
  • Sunshine
  • Unqualified
  • Advice
  • Beach
  • Service
  • Midterms
  • Road Trip
  • Tournament
  • Big East
  • Sunburn




Aries: Drink lots of water all next week, then you’ll be able to breath underwater.

Taurus: February 30 is the day that the world will end, mark your calendars.

Gemini: Prove your commitment to Xavier and get a tattoo of your Banner ID number to show you’re truly a Muskie for life.

Cancer: Fill up your gas tank and drive until it’s empty for a wild adventure that will prove to be life changing.

Leo: For the next two weeks, practice your impression of the ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ emoji because you’re going to be making that face as you check your grades.

Virgo: This spring break, you won’t be love sick. Just in love.

Libra: The mountains are calling and so is your mom, you’d better answer before she thinks you’re dead.

Scorpio: This will be the worst week of your life, but then you’ll receive an email saying you got an amazing internship for this summer! $$$

Sagittarius: This spring break you’re going to be spring broke. Lmao, poor peasants.

Capricorn: Forget about chasing the A, chase waterfalls and dogs crossing the street instead.

Aquarius: Drop out of school to become a comedian. Only joke needed: Your mom.

Pisces: You will have the best spring break ever in Europe, at least according to your Instagram. No one has to know you were in your room the whole time.

This post was assembled by Features Editor Monica Schweiger.