Features

Features: “Puns to annoy everything and everyone” & Horoscopes – 1/23/19

Comic courtesy of Dami Lee


If you haven’t already reminded your friends of how much better off they are staying off campus and at home than being stuck here with people like you, then use this nifty assortment of puns organized into no particular order or ranking to ensure they no longer want anything to do with you ever again!

  1. “I don’t see your point.” Say this while pointing to the tip of a sharpened pencil.
  2. “Eggcelent.” For best results, use this pun with an egg in any form as a visual aid.
  3. “Eggciting.” See above.
  4. “Appeas me.” Deliver with peas from the salad bar section of the cafeteria.
  5. “How you bean?” Deliver with any bean of your choosing from the cafeteria.
  6. “What the hail.” Best used outdoors when it is hailing outside.
  7. “I’m going to get in treble.” Best used in a class pertaining to music.
  8. “I’m feeling a little depresso-ed.” Because it borrows from “espresso,” use this inside some coffee place.
  9. “Let’s not beet around the bush.” Best used with beets.
  10. “Want a pizza me?” Deliver with a slice of pizza in hand.
  11. “I went pasta barbecue.” Say this with some kind of pasta food item on hand.
  12. “An impasta!” This is trickier to use, but appropriate situations for this pun can and do come up.
  13. “There’s apple-ace I know nearby.” Hold up an apple during the delivery of this pun.
  14. “I’ve been melon over the possibilities.” A pun on mulling. Best delivered with any nearby melon.
  15. “Alpaca book.” Sounds like “I’ll pack a book.” It might be easiest to simply pull up an image of an alpaca for this one.
  16. “Bee honest.” Try to wear some bee-inspired accessory to make this delivery beautifully cringe-worthy.
  17. “Bear with me.” Say this when your friends look emotionally scarred by the previous puns you’ve made them sit through. Be sure to pull up an image of a bear.
  18. “You’ve cat to be kitten me right meow.” This pun is almost too powerful. Use sparingly.
  19. “Your lecture was crabtivating.” Have a crab, real or an image, prepared for this.
  20. “Do you think she saurus?” Sounds like, “Do you think she saw us?” Have a little dinosaur toy ready with the delivery of this pun.
  21. “That looks li-chameleon miles!” Sounds like, “That looks like a million miles.” You could probably get away with using the image of any lizard for this pun.
  22. “I’m cherrying you on!” Dangle a pair of cherries for this optimistic pun.
  23. “I’ve got a pear of shoes.” Earn this cheap laugh by wielding the mighty soft fruit: the pear.
  24. “I don’t see any tissue with it.” Tissue is the stand-in for issue. With seasonal sicknesses spreading about, this will be a simple yet clever pun to deliver to unsuspecting peers.
  25. “Feel butter soon!” This should be self-explanatory. Since butter is so versatile, almost anything involving cooking can take advantage of the pun.

Horoscopes

Aries: If you’re taking any creative or performing arts classes, you’re basically the majestic salt sprinkle meme guy with the shades. Cool, collected and producing something that doesn’t suck.

Taurus: Don’t bottle things up too much this week. Snow dampens sound — so you can scream as much as you want with only half the consequences!

Gemini: You’re only two or three weeks back into classes. It’s too early to give in to the force of procrastination. If you already have, the stars will remember to mourn for your grades.

Cancer: Try to take care of some housekeeping. Return books you don’t need, clean the snow, build a blanket fort and live in it for the remainder of your adult life — you know, school things.

Leo: This is a week you own. So long as you don’t get careless, you’ll have some pretty great luck, like getting a due date for a big homework assignment pushed back.

Virgo: It’s nice to daydream about things like having all records of your student loans erased during the government shutdown, but if you’re not careful you could get lost in it.

Libra: If you’re worried about doing things on time, know that everything you’ve done in your Xavier career hasn’t taken as long as the opening of Gallagher dining has.

Scorpio: Favors you’ve done for others may be recognized this week. Whether it’s a thank-you card, a yummy treat or your favorite meme printed in color, embrace it.

Sagittarius: Two weeks in, and you may already be ready to yeet yourself from your routine. Eating an entire tub of ice cream is a temporary comfort, but it’s less drastic than dropping out.

Capricorn: Why so serious? Oh, right: loans, food, money, rent, grades, clubs, a crumbling social life…

Aquarius:  If you’re looking for something fun to do that’s not necessarily flirting with the Xavier Code of Conduct, try catching Winter Club Day today and signing up for a club.

Pisces: You’ve been there for your buddies lately, but how about yourself? If you’re stressed, cancel some commitments. Sleeping in till 3 p.m. is the best feeling.


This post was assembled by Features Editor Soondos Mulla-Ossman.

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