You heard me. Stop accepting men. Stop accepting anyone who identifies as a man to Xavier University. Why? I’ll give you two numbers: 1831 and 1969. 1831 is the year Xavier was founded. Wikipedia tells me it wasn’t actually called Xavier until 1840, but I heard you can’t trust Wikipedia, so I’ll use the 1831 number… which I also got from Wikipedia.

Anyway, 1831 is the year that Xavier was founded, but 1969 is the year Xavier began admitting female students. Wikipedia tells me that women actually began attending night, weekend and summer classes in 1914, but that fact not only comes from Wikipedia but also runs counter to my argument and thus will be omitted.

For 138 years, women were unable to eat tomato-covered cardboard from a pizza ATM… to be woken in the dark of night by Brockman’s fire alarms… to make sticky note meme art on the windows of Fenwick.

Anyways, Xavier has only been admitting women for 50 years. To put that in perspective, both beanbag chairs and lava lamps have existed for a whopping 51 years… as per Wikipedia. Thus, with some simple calculations, I have determined that for 138 of Xavier’s 188 years, women were not allowed to attend our university. For 138 years, women were unable to eat tomato-covered cardboard from a pizza ATM, unable to be woken in the dark of night by Brockman’s fire alarms and unable to make sticky note meme art on the windows of Fenwick. For 138 years, women were unable to be Muskies. We must take action.

I propose that we no longer accept men who apply to Xavier. I do not believe men already attending the university should be removed; that would be too difficult of an endeavor, and I do not wish to pursue difficult thought in this paper. Furthermore, requiring all men to leave the university would mean I would have to leave, and no one wants that, right?

I do, however, believe men should be phased out. If the class of 2024 is comprised solely of applicants who identify as female, then by September of 2023, Xavier University will no longer be co-ed. I believe this practice should continue until September of 2161, a wonderful year that I imagine will be punctuated by humanity working to stall the extinction of our entire species. Will Xavier University even exist in 2161? I have no idea! I haven’t thought that far ahead yet.

I now assume that you, the reader, may have some questions, namely the question of why. I understand you hold this question not because you do not agree with me, as you obviously agree with me, but because you wish to tell all of your friends about this article and want as much information as possible.

Think about it, if for 138 years there were no women on campus, then for 138 years there should be no men on campus.

The answer is simple: Because it’s fair. Think about it. If for 138 years there were no women on campus, then for 138 years there should be no men on campus. It’s just fair.

We love fairness in America, don’t we? Isn’t that why we allow Marlboro and Remington to talk to Congress for just as much time as we give medical professionals? I mean, even our news is fair; it’s Fox’s entire slogan. Thus, Xavier University should do the right thing and only accept female students for the next 138 years. It’s only fair.