Xavier becomes sex-free campus

The university will place microphones around campus to ensure enforcement

Note: this article is satire and not real news.

Xavier University announced on Wednesday night that it would be implementing new policies to ban all sexual activity on campus. The ban will begin on Aug. 24, in time for the start of the 2020-2021 school year. 

“As part of a continuing commitment to the health and well-being of all on our campus, we are pleased to announce that on Tuesday, March 31, the President’s Cabinet approved a Sex- Free Campus Policy. Studies show that Sex Free policies have a positive impact on the health and well-being of a community,” read a letter sent to the student body. The administration clarified that the policy will apply to all students, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, and that the policy will cover all areas owned by Xavier, including University Station apartments. 

Students were left confused as to how the policy will be enforced. “I don’t see how they could possibly force us to obey these rules. I mean, it’s not like they’re going to put cameras in our rooms, right?” Magnum Rübers, sophomore Philosophy, Politics and the Public major said. 

Jennifer Talls, Vice President of Resident Life, dismissed the idea of video surveillance devices being placed in living spaces. “Putting cameras in dorm rooms is a blatant abuse of power and violation of privacy, and I assure you, we at Xavier would never take such a step,” Talls said. Officer Elliot Jergens of XUPD explained that instead of cameras, microphones would be placed in each room. “It’s a simple policy: if we hear anything that sounds even remotely like sex, we will literally break down your door,” Jergens said. Students are encouraged to call XUPD if they suspect that anyone living in their hall is having sex and are advised to pay attention to sounds of heavy breathing or two people being in one dorm room at the same time. 

“I’m not sure how to feel,” Christian Abbort said, president of the Residents Against Putting Infant Souls Through Stress club. “On one hand, no sex means no abortions, which is supportive of my religious principals, but on the other, no sex means I can’t have sex with my girlfriend. It’s a conundrum of biblical proportions,” Abbort added. 

Any students found to be in violation of the policy will be referred to the code of conduct and required to complete an online module titled “Why Premarital Sex Will Make Your Sex Organs Shrivel Up and Fall Off.”  

It was also announced that Xavier will begin offering free condoms to students in the fall. 

Written by Johnathan Kinghoffe.