By Fenwick Barbeque, Queen of Aces

Disclaimer: The following article is satire, as it was apart of an April Fool’s edition.

As tensions continue to rise between the U.S., Russia, China and North Korea, the U.S. has announced a new program to reinforce its military. The new program, the Drug Addicted Animal Military Network (D.A.A.M.N.), was announced by President Joe Biden on March 23, better known as World Bear Day.

For his announcement,  Biden visited the Kentucky mall that houses the taxidermied body of the bear that inspired the creation of this program. In his announcement, Biden praised the bear as well as Elizabeth Banks and Jimmy Warden, director and writer of the cinematic masterpiece Cocaine Bear. Biden thanked those involved for providing America with the “outstanding idea of using coked-up animals to defend our country, which would mean fewer American citizens among the casualties in battle.” 

The program is expected to save the lives of millions of Americans. It was announced that the program began development shortly after the release of Cocaine Bear in late February and has shown “great promise for a truly impactful addition to America’s military forces,” according to Biden. As D.A.A.M.N. has begun running tests, it has experimented with cocaine and other drugs to get the desired results.

It is also reported that the program will not just be working with bears, but also species with overpopulation issues, such as deer, squirrels, cats and your neighbor’s annoying chihuahua. 

One cat subject escaped the trial facility near Cincinnati. The cat was aptly dubbed Cocaine Cat, paying homage to the program inspired by Cocaine Bear.  

Despite the obvious benefits of this program, there has been pushback from a handful of organizations and individuals claiming that this program will cause even more issues with the drug epidemic in America, as well as the program being blatant animal abuse. Notably, the organization of People for the Super Ethical Treatment of Animals (PESTA) has begun protesting this new program by urging everyone who is against the development of D.A.A.M.N. to consume copious amounts of cocaine to decrease the cocaine supply available to the U.S. government. 

So far, this movement has shown no effect on the government’s supply of cocaine but has led to a decrease in the number of casual cocaine consumers. One individual stated that they stopped using cocaine because they “don’t want to be associated with that kind of crazy,” referencing the protesters from PESTA. 

It remains  unclear when the animal unit will make an appearance on the frontline, but so far, the program has shown positive results.

Even with the controversy that surrounds this new program, there is still great hope from the American government that this will be a significant step in keeping Americans safe. Along with the steps of the D.A.A.M.N. program, it has also been suggested that a program taking inspiration from the 2006 movie Snakes on a Plane may also be under development.