Jersey Mike’s in Gallagher Student Center to close, Rizz Life to advise students
By Rizzler God, Director of Rizz Life
Disclaimer: The following article is satire, as it was apart of an April Fool’s edition.
As a supplement to the 2021-2031 Xavier University Strategic Plan, President Colleen Hancyz unveiled the eighth and newest Jesuit value central to life as a Xavier Musketeer.
Beginning during the Fall 2023 semester, Xavier students will be taught how to “spit rizz” alongside traditional values such as magis and cura personalis.
Some of our readers may not be familiar with this fledgling term, which is defined by “lexicon wizard Spiros.V” on Urban Dictionary as “having the ability to finesse and sustain a specimen of the female species.”
Other internet sources hold that rizz is an abbreviation for the “charisma” that leads pheromonal exchanges between two individuals.
In practice, rizz need not be applied exclusively toward those who identify as female. As with Jesuit values solidarity and kinship, rizz in Norwood can be bestowed upon each and every Musketeer.
Logically, a student reading this chronicle may be wondering what this will tangibly entail in terms of their routine.
The initiative will be seen in the Ryan’s Landing partition of Gallagher Student Center. The newly-opened Jersey Mike’s will be engaging in what Auxiliary Services have called a “soft closing” as the 2022-23 academic year erodes into summer. Upon the return of students to the Harvard of Southwest Ohio in the fall, there will be a new office in place of the fallen sub emporium. Not to be confused with Residence Life, often abbreviated to “Res Life,” students will now have 24/7 access to the “Rizz Life Office.”
At this dojo of desire, students will learn pickup artistry from world-renowned peer educators in order to “land the plane” with the apples of their respective eyes.
Owen St. Jholl, whose newest title will be Wingman in Rizz-idence, says that down bad Muskies will learn to ask the real questions that catalyze attraction. Techniques and resources that will be included are:
Asking “Where’s my hug?”
Thigh tattoos available for purchase with Dining Dollars
Piano, guitar and violin lessons
A Seminar on the Execution of the Ben Stiller from “Zoolander” face (“Blue Steel”)
Niche fragrances such as Dior Sauvage Elixir or Marble by Bath & Body Works
Discount on Lululemon apparel
Vouchers for a rendezvous at Energy Nightclub
Classes on ripping love ballads, Shakespearean sonnets and other poetry off the dome
That thing where you tell someone they have something on their shirt and when they look down you flick their nose
Blue light glasses and messy buns-tying lessons
Cats to adopt and raise in your apartment with a cornucopia of vinyls sprawling over the walls
This investment in the ability of Xavier students to “pull thotties” will ideally lead to a campus that praises Dale and raises hell at a higher clip.
In order to honor those with exceptional charm, Hancyz also announced a new merit scholarship available to those already at least one year into their Xavier tenure.
The Rizz Khalifa Leadership Grant will quench the financial thirst of those most adept at “tapping that.”
Other potential Xavier Jesuit Values that were reportedly considered to be added but did not make the cut include: guwop, pushing P and sturdiness (in reference to dancing ability.)