Disclaimer: The following article is satire, as it was apart of an April Fool’s edition.

Opinion pieces these days are written with so many constraints and rules. 

Like, what about “opinion” wasn’t obvious? I can write it however I want, because it’s mine. Right? That’s how it SHOULD be. But Newswire has been cracking down on us writers — forcing us staff writers to NOT TELL OUR LIFE STORIES!? Forcing us to have coherent and consistent arguments? Forcing us to fill out a form after writing an article to prove we utilized rhetorical devices?! It’s a crime to control how my opinion piece is written or what it may entail.   

This should be punishable, and it’s fundamentally a breach of my American freedoms (I was born here, no worries.) Personally, I’ve taken English 115. My professor told me I am fantastic with my rhetoric, and last time I checked he has degrees. 

Speaking of degrees: Since when did we need what’s basically a degree (of requirements) to write out our feelings? Words of passion come straight from the heart, so we shouldn’t have a rule book forced upon us to write. All anyone needs is the alphabet and something to write with. This is why I want to write THIS opinion piece on my opinion of how opinion pieces should be allowed to be written.  

First, forget facts. If it’s my OPINION, why do I need statistics or data or any info when I can just cite it from my brain? The brain is a calculator — it’s highly reliable and intelligent. This cuts down on the research process and also makes it easier for the editors, who then don’t have to fact-check any information. And if I do have data, I can say, “Just trust me, bro,” and they should be cool with it because it’s my opinion.  

Secondly, we should be allowed to have cold, hard transitions so I’m sure that a writer has properly outlined and executed a five-paragraph essay format (the superior method). When things flow too well together from paragraph to paragraph, the audience gets lost in the readings. We want them to be jerked into each paragraph roughly, so they are forced to remember what they are reading and why.    

Thirdly, framing an opinion piece in the beginning with a short story and my life experiences is of the utmost importance. Ultimately, any piece is about ME and MY thoughts. Even if it’s discussing other communities or identities or events, I am still able to apply my own life, or should be allowed to, especially because I’ve done very cool things (just ask my mother for a credible source)!  And talk about the opportunity to build ethos – wow: What opinion is more credible than an irrelevant, completely random one I can rant about at any time?   

Lastly, opinion pieces should almost always be cowritten. Two brains are better than one, and two faces squeezed onto the page are more attractive than one. The uniqueness of two voices contrasting in one article is the epitome of opinion-piece perfection. The more, the merrier, right? Also, I’ve heard that cowriting stimulates half of your brain 0.5% of the time.  

One honorable mentions of an opinion piece no-no’s that I strongly believe should be permitted is parentheses usage as much as one pleases. Parentheses are the spice of life. They include so many extra tidbits of lore or commentary. 

Of course, another no-no I personally endorse is including MORE rhetorical questions. Frustrate the audience with a never ending stream of hypotheticals, or compel them to question themselves, in which case they will feel obligated to read (and re-read) your entire article.  

One more no-no of honor is forcing your reader to interact with your work by having them dig for the point you’re making, which demonstrates reader loyalty and dedication. Consider adding lots of extra fluff, context, personal information, jokes and more to really give readers the challenge they seek. 

These are just my opinions in this opinion piece on how opinion pieces should be allowed to be written.