Features

WHEN I WAS A KID

By: Hana Priscu ~Feature Editor~

stairs

The Neyer clan lines up for a priceless Christmas stair photograph.

As the youngest in a family of only two children, I endured endless torment from my older brother. From being clotheslined around corners during his WWE phase to being pelted with soccer balls during his FIFA phase, much of this torment took place in the form of physical brutality. However, there was also the psychological component that was utilized when the teasing became monotonous.

One particular example began when I mistakenly broke my brother’s Sega Dreamcast and apparently was in desperate need of being taken down a peg or two. The following day, my brother approached me and informed me that my parents had regretfully sold me to the neighbors.

Dismayed at this new discovery and attempting to hold back tears, I trudged over to the neighbor’s house in an attempt to acclimate myself to my new home. Upon finding that they were not home, I took the liberty of letting myself in the side door and fixing myself a consolation snack in the kitchen.

As I sat in this strange kitchen, took in my surroundings and enjoyed my Snack Pack, I heard keys jingling outside of the front door. My new family was finally home.

While one would think that welcoming a new child into one’s family would be one of the greatest moments in a parent’s life, my new parents did not treat it as such. As my new mother screamed at the sight of a strange person in her home, my new father dragged me out of the house, and I found myself unceremoniously turned out on the street once again.

Mentally planning out my new life as a vagabond, I noticed my ex-mother walking towards me with a concerned look on her face. “Honey, why are you crying?” she inquired.

“My parents don’t love me!” I shrieked.

“Of course we love you!” she said.

“Not you!”

While there is certain psychological damage that can occur from deceiving a child as to who her true parents are, there is also a certain decorum that must be followed once a Sega Dreamcast is broken. And that decorum was most certainly adhered to in this situation. Now that the tables have been leveled, however, we must only wait for the next indiscretion that I will undoubtedly commit.

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