By: Dice Master General ~Not A Cat~
A recent study put forth by the Backsliding University of Lecherous Litigations and the Subjective Here-say Institute of Technobabble showed that literally no one at all cares about news that is backed up by any sort of research or that is based in fact.
These findings are in no way scientifically backed and are only claimed to be accurate by the heads of the study, Dr.Pepper, Dr. Faustus and Dr. Redacted. However, both institutions have made bold claims in the past that would later be presented as truth by the Today Show and Dr. Oz. Such studies include “Eating chocolate is obviously great for your unborn child” funded by Hershey’s, “Global warming is a scam” funded by “real scientists” and “Leaving your trash cans open can improve your lawn” funded by raccoons.
The aforementioned study, performed on seven dehydrated mice that were forced to scroll through a combination of Reddit, Twitter and your racist uncle’s Facebook page, has been backed further by the President of the United States. No one knows exactly what the president had to say on the matter, since all news outlets were banned from entering the Presidential Press junket.
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer held his own press junket about the president’s initial press junket in which press was allowed, where the Secretary claimed that the first junket went “really awesome” and that the president was “super chill” the whole time. Following the press junket’s press junket, the president tweeted out a link to the study claiming that “facts are facts and these are the best facts. #Science #CrushingIt #TwinPeaksRevival #Hype.”
Following President Trump’s string of nonsensical tweets and in accordance with the recent trends in social media, major news outlets CNN and Fox News have stated that all news stories will now be exclusively presented on Twitter. The head of CNN held a press conference on Monday stating that “We are taking a bold step into the future of journalism and news that will cater to the uninformed and ignorant masses… if a news story can’t be condensed down to 140 characters, is it really worth knowing in the first place? #JournalisticIntegrity.”
Shortly after that crippling blow to actual informative news, the New York Times and the Herald announced that they would be laying off 74 percent of their journalists and replacing them with a computer program that tweets pictures of cats with movie quotes in the event of a national tragedy.
While many amongst the populace seem unaffected by the recent changes made to the overall structure of the news and press conglomerate, a small section of truth seekers have taken to social media to fight for their right to real and accurate news stories. The leaders of these fake news protest groups have told reporters that they are willing to go to any lengths to restore proper news. They added that the only two things they would not do were leave their computers or pay for the news they read, despite the fact that specialists and economists have cited budget concerns and loss of ad revenue as the leading cause for the decline in accuracy in news reports.
With that, I am going to end my report, for I have just been informed that I am being replaced with a kitten in a sombrero who walks across a keyboard that only types Emojis. Well, it has been a pleasure and an honor freelancing as a “journalist” with no actual authority to write real stories. If anyone needs me, I will be working down at Subway alongside journalistic integrity and factual based news. Good luck everyone!