Photo courtesy of Xavier University | The new rulers of Xavier University pose in their acquired kingdom.
Make way for a new power that is bigger than Fr. Graham and even bigger than Fr. B that will seriously make you question your manners.
Following the campus-wide changes that have occurred this past school year from Chartwells to Chris Mack, there is a new change occurring on campus that will leave Xavier’s student body shooketh. During Easter break, the Eggs-avier Newswire received an anonymous tip that Physical Plant is planning a takeover. There is still some uncertainty as to why this is happening. Some speculate that it may be because they aren’t being paid enough, people are being disrespectful, they had a change of heart, they are tired of cleaning up after our lazy asses or they feel like their friendship with Xavier is one-sided since we never go to their homes to clean for them. Regardless of their reason for this sudden desire to become the true forces to be reckoned with, not everyone is surprised.
One student with a very generic name, like Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramírez, says, “I’ve always been terrified Physical Plant would one day decide to take over campus. They are the only true force on campus that controls everything. They know how many people are in a room at any given time. Plus, they control all of the power — meaning lights, elevators and probably those automatic locks on the doors.”
When asked how they could use this power to their advantage, the generic student said, “They could easily use this power to lock us in buildings or rooms, turn off the power and telephone wires so we couldn’t contact anyone and starve us into submission. It’s all so simple, it was only a matter of time before they realized the power they held. I don’t want to be on their bad side, so don’t use my real name, I’m just scared because they have the power.”
There’s no way of knowing when this will happen, but time will tell. Until then, begin to train for the Physical Plant apocalypse by never turning the lights on, stocking up on food and learning how to break out of buildings. Good luck, fellow Muskies. Until then, be nice to all Physical Plant employees in hopes of subtly persuading them to give Xavier another chance because all for one and one for all (but only if it is beneficial for us).
By: Your Mom ~Suspicious of Physical Plant~
I know words, I have the best words.
Daily Beats with D.J. Monie
Guess That Booty!
Answers at the bottom!
A Rise: I’ve spent a lot of time telling you what to expect from your future, how your week is going to be and what life-changing events will occur.
Tartar Sauce: We all know that sometimes I tell you bizarre things are going to happen, but they’re always true.
Jedi: Feeling unmotivated about finishing the rest of the semester? Well, just like how an apple a day keeps the doctor away, a coffee a day keeps the eyes awake!
Ebola: Where was I? Oh yeah, nobody ever tries to tell me what I should do in my life. All they care about is me me me. It’s like you’re all spaghetti’s.
Leonardo: I know that I technically have my own horoscope, but it isn’t the same when you write your own.
Virgin: Every time I read the horoscopes, I get some major FOMO (Fear of Missing Out for all you youngsters).
Library: I guess this FOMO can be traced back to my childhood days of fortune tellers at recess.
Scooter: I never could figure out how to make a fortune teller. It was like witchcraft! Because of that, I decided to write horoscopes since it is my only skill.
Spaghetti: But that doesn’t mean I want everyone to just take me and my gift for granted!
Capybara: Like how goddamn hard is it to write a horoscope? I pull at least 12 out of my ass every week. Just once is all I’m asking of you people.
Aquamarine: Well, just once, you write me a horoscope and maybe some sleep. It’s crazy how late you have to stay up now to see the stars.
Old Spice: I’m sorry, I’m getting off track, but now you know the story of how I became president. Come by next week for some great horoscopes!
Guess That Booty Answers!
1.) Chris Evans! (I don’t really have a witty caption for this)
2.) Chris Hemsworth! (No, I don’t know what he’s doing either)
3.) Zac Efron with bonus Dave Franco! (More like Snacc Efron, amiright? haha kill me)
4.) SpongeBob SquarePants! (*whistles*)
This article was assembled by Primetime Feature Monica Schweiger.