Features: “Let’s Get Physical [Plant]” and Extras

Photo courtesy of Xavier University | The new rulers of Xavier University pose in their acquired kingdom.

Make way for a new power that is bigger than Fr. Graham and even bigger than Fr. B that will seriously make you question your manners.

Following the campus-wide changes that have occurred this past school year from Chartwells to Chris Mack, there is a new change occurring on campus that will leave Xavier’s student body shooketh. During Easter break, the Eggs-avier Newswire received an anonymous tip that Physical Plant is planning a takeover. There is still some uncertainty as to why this is happening. Some speculate that it may be because they aren’t being paid enough, people are being disrespectful, they had a change of heart, they are tired of cleaning up after our lazy asses or they feel like their friendship with Xavier is one-sided since we never go to their homes to clean for them. Regardless of their reason for this sudden desire to become the true forces to be reckoned with, not everyone is surprised.

One student with a very generic name, like Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramírez, says, “I’ve always been terrified Physical Plant would one day decide to take over campus. They are the only true force on campus that controls everything. They know how many people are in a room at any given time. Plus, they control all of the power — meaning lights, elevators and probably those automatic locks on the doors.”

When asked how they could use this power to their advantage, the generic student said, “They could easily use this power to lock us in buildings or rooms, turn off the power and telephone wires so we couldn’t contact anyone and starve us into submission. It’s all so simple, it was only a matter of time before they realized the power they held. I don’t want to be on their bad side, so don’t use my real name, I’m just scared because they have the power.”

There’s no way of knowing when this will happen, but time will tell. Until then, begin to train for the Physical Plant apocalypse by never turning the lights on, stocking up on food and learning how to break out of buildings. Good luck, fellow Muskies. Until then, be nice to all Physical Plant employees in hopes of subtly persuading them to give Xavier another chance because all for one and one for all (but only if it is beneficial for us).

By: Your Mom ~Suspicious of Physical Plant~

I know words, I have the best words.

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Tartar Sauce: We all know that sometimes I tell you bizarre things are going to happen, but they’re always true.

Jedi: Feeling unmotivated about finishing the rest of the semester? Well, just like how an apple a day keeps the doctor away, a coffee a day keeps the eyes awake!

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