Features: 2018-2019 Staff and Horoscopes – 4/25/2018



Aries: You will wake up tomorrow morning with the power to snap your fingers like Mary Poppins and clean up all your stuff, ready to go for moving to your summer home.

Taurus: Put on some chapstick because you’re about to be sun kissed, ooh lala.

Gemini: Xavier fest had you a blast. Spring semester happened so fast. You will meet a cutie crazy for you (but don’t change because Grease has weird standards).

Cancer: What 24/7 quiet hours has in store for you is a Quiet Place movie night and an epic game of hide and seek.

Leo: Practice your sick burns for Pigroast because that pig won’t see those zingers coming! Boom, got ‘em.

Virgo: Once you learn all your course material, ace your finals, get your summer tan on, and make some bank it is over for everyone.

Libra: You’d be lying if you didn’t say you sing “What Time is It?” whenever spring semester ends. So, scream out summertime and let out your inner wildcat!

Scorpio: Golly oh gee, prepare for the water works because you are going to realize you have the most supportive friends in your circle.

Sagittarius: Don’t forget that your only talent is your knack for writing funny memos for Venmo.

Capricorn: Don’t stress out, grades don’t matter, C’s get degrees, and you will keep your scholarships.

Aquarius: You are going to miss the Xavier Newswire so much that we are going to do another summer edition just for you. The stars really do listen!

Pisces: Kiss goodbye to whatever dining dollars you had left because it is about to all go to coffee and late night snacks.

This post was assembled by Features Editor Soondos Mulla-Ossman