Sports that Ohio Could Go Pro In
BY SPENCER DETENLEY
Welcome to Ohio, where we are not known as anything more than the Corntopia of the world. One classic sport that all Ohioans love to play is none other than Cornhole. In Cornhole, two sets of two-player teams face off in what can only be described as a bag toss. Each member then tosses little bags filled with corn kernels onto the opposite board. Now, the fun twist comes in with the hole. On either board, there is one singular hole at the very top of the board; that’s right, folks, sink it in the hole, and you’re golden. It’s corn!
Ah yes, throwing a plastic disc, one of Ohio’s favorite pastimes. We’ve all heard of the less than stellar Ultimate Frisbee teams here at Xavier, but did you know that they often play Frolf. Frolf, also known as Frisbee Golf, is exactly what it sounds like. People throw Frisbees down yards into little stations that catch them. Lowest score wins. Frolf is like if Golf was a bit less old, the same amount of dads, and more athletic (ish). Ultimately, Frolf is a staple of the field behind Justice Hall and thus you might as well head to the nearest Target and invest in a flying plastic disc.
Backporch People Watching
Arguably the most important and iconic Ohio game is the infamous Backporch People Watching. Allow me to set the scene: your neighborhood is throwing a block barbeque party and your family is invited. You and your family arrive to 50 people walking around and mingling in the backyard. Now here is where the game comes in. You and your siblings sit on the porch and just people watch. Oh no! Susan’s alcoholism is coming back, Jeff just lost his job, Tony has stopped paying child support. The sheer amount of tea that is unleashed at a neighborhood barbeque is truly insane. So, to take it all in, you and your family listen in on all of the mid-life crisis drama.
Founding Members of the Ohio Hall of Shame
By Julia Lankisch
If Ohio is good at something, it’s at being the scum of all professional sports in the United States. Here are a few horribly notable characters in Ohio sports right now:
- David Bell
The Reds under David Bell are the fifth worst team in the MLB, and actually started the year with one of the worst records in MLB history. Bell has done a fantastic job drafting players that no one wants on the team, like Aristides Aquino, and getting rid of the few reasons for hope Reds fans had left such as Nick Castellanos, Eugenio Suarez, Jesse Winker and Tucker Barnhart. He is a true champion of the people, choosing not to comment about the fact that the team president threatened to move the team to a different city when fans complained. Now that is what great leadership looks like!
- Eli Apple
Eli Apple gained his notoriety through two of the most high-stakes errors in Bengals history. He alone gave up two touchdowns in Super Bowl LVI, which Cincinnati will never forgive him for (Mike Brown, get rid of him). Not only is Apple awful at his one job to the point where his coaches have to move him away from challenging players to cover, but he also talks mad trash on Twitter with absolutely no ground to stand on. You really want to pick a fight with Tyreek Hill? Really? Think that through, Eli.
- FC Cincinnati’s goalkeepers
Over the first three years of FCC’s time in the MLS, the team let in 35 more goals than would have been predicted by Expected Goals data. Their keepers were also near the very bottom of the ranking of all MLS goalies, coming in at the high 70s and 80s out of 89 total goalies. This is the worst goalkeeping performance of any team in the league, and it is not even close. Thank the Lord management finally shaped up and signed even an average dude, or we’d be in for another season of soul-crushing disappointment.
- Deshaun Watson
Last and certainly least, we have a certifiable piece of, well, you know what. He is a serious downgrade from the previous gem of a quarterback who graced Cleveland with his presence. He has just been suspended for 11 games for sexual harassment and assault of more than two dozen massage therapists. He is a bottom of the barrel human being, which Ohio did not need any more of, so we would like to humbly request he move to Alaska or something.
Aries: ask your gym crush out. They’re gonna say yes.
Taurus: Lonely? Try a FWB. furries wearing beanies always make you look stylish by comparison.
Gemini: print your spanish homework.
Cancer: make your bed this labor day weekend. You have the time.
Leo: try taking cold showers. It’s way better for your hair.
Virgo: if you had a bad day, go listen to the corn kid song on Tik Tok.
Libra: hot girl walking is the new Chloe Ting. go take a walk
Scorpio: the stars are saying your air force 1’s need to go.
Sagittarius: the taco line in the caf is so good; please go try it.
Capricorn: if you’re mourning the loss of the sushi place in GSC, you’re the only one. I have no consolation for you. JERSEY MIKES BB
Aquarius: if you’ve been hating on pumpkin spice, stop. Open your heart to christian girl autumn joy.
Pisces: take more pictures. Hold on to the memories and they’ll hold on to you or something like that.