Corn

By Katie Sanchez, Arts & Entertainment

With hair silken blonde like those string things on corn

I was born, emerging from the Iowa cornfields

I frolicked in their protection

Rejoiced in their fruit

But when I reached my fifth year I was ripped from them

Replanted in a wasteland of concrete

I yearned for the comfort of those kernels

Desolate and detached I struggled through

Until finally I made another Midwestern voyage

And crossing into Ohio, the corn welcomed me home

Corn Story

By Addison Burke, Guest Writer

Everyone’s favorite vegetable is making a comeback this year, thanks to TikTok star Tariq, better known as the Corn Kid. There is such variety when it comes to corn. We’ve got corn on the cob, popcorn, corn salsa, corn bread, corn casserole, Mexican corn and a whole list of never-ending corn meals. Whether it be aerated kernels or corn utilized for traumatic fall festival experiences, corn can elicit an emotional response for all. 

Popcorn 

Popcorn is the greatest form of corn; there’s no debate about it. Let me paint a scene for you. You’re at the movie theater on a date. You both reach into the paper bucket of exploded kernels drenched in hydrogenated fats and oils, along with unbounded amounts of sodium. Suddenly, you’re touching hands with your boo, bonding over your love of one simple thing: corn. 

No type of popcorn will ever beat the a-maize-ingness of movie theater popcorn. Movie theater popcorn has the power to kindle love. Its exalted power makes it the best form of corn. SkinnyPop and caramel corn are solid runners-up, but nothing will ever beat movie popcorn, simply because of its power to unite. 

Corn on the Cob

My second favorite corn form is corn on the cob — a classic. You just can’t go wrong with corn on the cob. You can add butter or seasonings, and you can also choose to grill or boil it. My perfect corn on the cob is boiled (in milk) with butter all over. It’s a mess, but it’s a delicious mess. It has the juice! I feel as though Corn Kid is on my side with this, considering it’s his claim to fame. Long live the Corn Kid!

Corn Mazes 

Lastly, corn mazes. While corn mazes may not exactly be considered a form of corn by some people, I think it’s the most fun use of corn, even if it’s not an edible form. There is nothing better than being a six-year-old kid, separated from your dad in a corn maze, screaming out and crying as you pass ten other kids doing the exact same thing. After about an hour, you are convinced your family has left you to live life as a child of the corn, and your dad has probably called a chopper cam. Actually, this exact experience happened to me just two years ago. Once again, corn proves its power to bond, whether it be one of trauma or love. 

While I may be a kernel or two biased towards these forms of corn, any are great options. As Luke Bryan famously said: “Rain makes corn / Corn makes whiskey / Whiskey makes my baby / feel a little frisky.” Therefore, corn is responsible for the life cycle itself. Without corn, we would be nowhere. Save the bees. 

Missed Connection: A Corn Poem Based on True Events

By Charlie Gstalder, Opinions & Editorials Editor

Back in our first year 

It was fall, 

You left our room in Kuhlmann hall  

For Ohio State  

To tail gate 

I guess  

There’s no harm  

That you stopped by a barn  

And got you  

An earful  

Of farm 

But that night when I opened my door  

Was Aghast that I saw  

Corn  

From ceiling to floor 

Oh Jason oh Jason oh where did you go  

I wonder if I’ll ever know  

Was it just a goof? 

Or were you searching  

For a kernel  

Of truth.  

Cornoscopes

Capricorn: call your dad. Ask him to tell you some corny jokes. 

Capricorn: Ask them on a movie date. Bond over some popcorn. If they say yes, good story for the roommate. If they say no, good story for the roommate. 

Capricorn: Visit your local pumpkin patch. See the corn maze, get some basic pics for the gram. 

Capricorn: If you’re new to Cincinnati, try City BBQ. They have great cornbread. 

Capricorn: You’re going to meet someone super interesting and cute this week. You’ll bond over how bad the Caf corn went down. 

Capricorn: Play some cornhole this weekend. Relax with the bros. 

Capricorn: After your friend makes you play cornhole, you’ll get into a fight with them over whether it’s called cornhole or bags. 

Capricorn: Humbly request that SAC throws a corn event. It would be better than anything else they have put on previously. 

Capricorn: They should make corn scented candles. You should invent one. But not in your dorm room, obviously. Candles are prohibited. 

Capricorn: Try the popcorner chips. They are SO good and not that bad for you. 

Capricorn: If your dog swallows a corn cob, take them to the vet immediately. It will not pass through their system. 

Capricorn:  If you see a corn stand on the side of the road, go ahead and stop. Support small businesses. I don’t know how to cook corn in a dorm room, though.