Back Page 3/22/23

Mind Over Money

By Morgan Miles, Staff Writer

I’m really tired of people dogging on capitalism.

If you make money and go to work and still live in the U.S., then why are you hating the system that gets you money, right? Working is basically supporting capitalism. And I think a life is worthless if not spent working. After all, there’s nothing more to look forward to than capital gain, so I’ll never stop grinding. I feel bad for anyone who is disabled or unable to completely dedicate their body to our glorious leader… I mean, President. What use does someone have if they aren’t pulling themselves up by the bootstraps into higher class status? It’s easy, too, and that’s why I think poor people are embarrassing. Clearly they are lazy, and God can sense laziness, so he made sure they were also born with conditions that reflect their poor work ethic. Speaking of which, I have an amazing work ethic. I run a woman’s only business through social media – everyone is their own boss and can work from home! I’ve heard my expertise is in em-el-ems, whatever French word that is. I’m very girl-boss-oriented and only ask daddy for a money allowance once a week now. And usually that allowance goes towards fast fashion: which, I’ve heard people hating on. Those child workers go hard on the sewing machines, in my opinion. They are fantastic, and I wish I had a job when I was a kid: they truly are lucky to live in a world that allows children to work such long hours! I appreciate the ability to sometimes purchase suspiciously high quality pieces, or sometimes paper thin,lead-paint-smelling clothes that I’ll throw into a Goodwill bin by the same time next year. Capitalism gives me the opportunity to express my individuality, not only through fast fashion, but also by fighting against other women for positions of authority. Honestly, I think it’s really fun to have to prove my worth when I enter the workplace, and even then I don’t overstep because Patriarchy does exist for good reasons (am I right, ladies?). All people should be humbled by having to fight for job positions. In fact, that’s why I support wage slavery! I get it: the slavery part does throw people off. But I think it’s a word the left uses to make people angry. Or at least that’s what daddy says. Still, money is the best motivation to keep going. Life is so boring and pointless without money to spend. If someone isn’t smart, they end up living paycheck to paycheck. Which is why wage slavery is good: it reminds the poor people that they need money to be happy, and should work more to get some instead of bumming around. I mean – overall, if someone dislikes Capitalism, they should probably move to somewhere like Russia, where they could fit in as losers in a country that historically never wins. Also they are probably commies that support socialism – and I hate how a bright red looks on me, so I could never support commies.


Aries: Do not attempt coastal cowgirl if you hate on country music. 

Taurus: When you tell people you’re a cat person and a dog person, everyone knows that means you like cats more. 

Gemini: In honor of the Hunger Games resurgence, revive the Katniss Everdeen braid. 

Cancer: Claw clips are extremely dangerous to drive in. Please take it out before you hit the gas. 

Leo: Why were Boum and Kunkel beefing? The world may never know. Look it up on YouTube. 

Virgo: Please do not play your white boy rap out loud from your phone in the elevator. 

Libra: Still haven’t taken a fine arts credit? Try out Intro to Tap Dance. 

Scorpio: Get a new fidget toy. A happy slug, a monkey rope or some slime should cheer you up. 

Sagittarius: Smoking cigs is definitely NOT cool. It definitely does NOT give off the Lana aesthetic. 

Capricorn: Kiss, Marry, Kill: Matty Healy, Hozier and Omar Apollo. 

Aquarius: You should probably eat a vegetable. 

Pisces: No one wants to see you crying on your TikTok story. I just watched three of those. It is not 7th grade, and no one is going to ask if you’re okay!

Comic by Briana Dunn