by Audrey Elwood, Arts & Entertainment Editor

 The hard part is over. After toiling over college apps and raising your hand for the bathroom, you are finally here: college. Was this your first choice? Probably not. You most likely got rejected from Notre Dame and said, “Good enough I guess”. Move in is also over, and you were too silly for your own good last week. Here is some advice for your first semester of college!

That boy from your hometown? Yeah, he’s the love of your life. You should Facetime him 3 hours every night. The whole world is at your fingertips, but he’s going to become a millionaire selling stock market courses to 13 year olds. Actually, if you had any real confidence in him, you would drop out and support his business. Better yet, you could get married. Tuition is cheaper if you do, and it’s not like it’s a lifelong commitment. Tom Cruise has been divorced three times, and is still making horrible movies. The world is your oyster. 

A secret parking hack no upperclassmen will tell you is that you can just park in the commuter lots. The XUPD never gives out tickets, and if they do, you can just not pay it. What are they going to do? Boot your car? Kick you out? If you get nervous about it, you can just get mommy and daddy to pay for a commuter parking pass.

Of course, we can’t forget the other reason you came here… to watch our profusely sweaty king Sean Miller coach our Musketeers men’s basketball team to victory. The atmosphere in Cintas Center can only be described as pure, unbridled Xavier energy (you should definitely go to Energy, by the way).  One nifty tip to remember is that YOU can have the ultimate gameday experience. A new suite has been built this year exclusively to seat the Class of 2028. As is the case for all students, admission is free. The only requirement for entry is that the student can name every core Jesuit value.

All in all, you’ve made it, kid. It’s on you now, you’re a fully grown adult with a fully grown frontal lobe. Make all the grown up decisions you can, get that neck tattoo, take a shower in the Alter Hall basement, shockingly reveal D’Artagnan and the Blue Blob’s identity in Cintas. You only live once, and you want that life to be as short and eventful as possible.