SATIRE

By Charlie Thompson, Staff Writer 

A few weeks ago, multiple Xavier students reported a large upright walking creature break free from the walls of Logan Hall and book it toward Dana Avenue. 

The being was described as around 6 feet tall and covered in dark blue hair, but most witnesses believed it was just an average STEM student frantically fleeing a failed midterm, so no official police report was made. 

“I did that same s**t sophomore year,” a witness to the event said (who did not report anything to the authorities.) 

As food and utilities began disappearing the following days, campus police were finally notified about the possibly dangerous creature on campus after a bottle of Tito’s was stolen from a Justice Hall dorm. 

“Look I didn’t care when that thing was stealing our Cheez-its or whatever, but if it’s going for our alcohol next… I think it’s time we find this monster,” a student said. 

After the Tito’s bottle was found empty near the soccer field, hundreds of Xavier students and faculty took to the streets with pitchforks and torches hoping to find the liquor lifter before he lifts any more liquor.  

As the search continued across campus, Xavier Newswire was able to secure an interview with a professor in Xavier’s chemistry department, Dr. Alfred H. Funklewart. 

“It’s such a travesty,” Funklewart said through tears. “A beautiful creature being persecuted just for the crime of existence. Why, as humans, do we hate what is not understood, despise what we cannot comprehend? I only pray that God doesn’t show us the same attitude on the day of our judgement.” 

To lighten the mood, we asked him who his favorite live action Spider-Man was, but he stormed out before he gave an answer. 

While drinks kept disappearing across campus, investigative journalists at Newswire were determined to find out where the creature came from, but Dr. Funklewart would not answer any further questions. 

Instead, we turned to Xavier University’s President Colleen M. Hanycz. 

“Dr. Funklewart overheard me say that it was getting expensive to have a student as a mascot and he approached me and said that ‘he would find another way’ before hobbling off. I would like to make it abundantly clear that the administration had no knowledge of Dr. Funklewart’s living mascot program,” Hanycz said. “This happened two years ago when someone said the campus lizards were getting out of control and he infused snake DNA into an eagle egg to try and create a ‘sneagle’ as he called it.” 

When asked what the university is doing to ensure the booze bandit stops banditing everyone’s booze, President Hanycz provided an emotionally-charged response. 

“We’re hoping that the abomination drinks itself to death judging from the amount of empty bottles around campus, although that could just be from the students. If it doesn’t reveal itself in the next few days, we’ll send a few freshman into the woods with shotguns and tell them the first person to kill it doesn’t need a language credit. That’s how we took down the sneagle,” she said. 

When asked who her favorite live action Spider-Man was she said, 

“I couldn’t give less of a s**t, please leave my office.” 

Just then a great deal of commotion was present toward the outside of the building. Hanycz got up to look out the window but was forcefully pulled through by the beast now known as The Blue Blob.  

The Blob began scaling Schott Hall as passers-by looked on in terror. 

“You are responsible for my creation! You will pay!” the creature screamed holding Hanycz. 

“We need to deploy the Xavier Air Force!” an unknown onlooker yelled. 

Suddenly, from the inside of the crowd emerged Funklewart. 

“My child. Please return her to the ground. She is not responsible for your life, my creation,” Funklewart said. 

“Papa?” the Blob said longingly, placing Hanycz on the roof. 

“Yes my child. Return to me,” Funklewart said. 

As the beast slowly attempted to descend Schott Hall, it lost its footing and plummeted ten stories to the ground. 

Funklewart held the creation in his arms and weeped. Not just for the life he made, but also for humanity.  

The story of the Blue Blob’s demise leaves many questions burning in our mind. Are we all doomed like Funklewarts’ creation? Why is our strongest emotion fear? And how exactly do we get Hanycz down? 

We may never know.