SATIRE

By Michael Torley, Staff Writer 

With Xavier in the fray of intern application season, many students – primarily those from the Williams College of Business – are racing to companies’ job websites faster than the horde of Logan Paul fans racing to buy Pokémon cards. They want the opportunity to work in corporate America and make it big, like an actor but performing for Fortune 500 Companies rather than Broadway.  

However, we are in 2026, and we have to compete against so much for the glimmer of hope of a company recognizing us. We have as competition the nepo babies, AI, Love Island contestants and Generation Alpha with their “skibidi” ways. With all this competition, there is only one way we can become more qualified for the few remaining human positions: lie. 

Now I can hear the peanut gallery already exclaiming, “Are we really going to be that shallow?” Yes, Jessica, we HAVE to be. To explain my point further, I have brought in three consultants who will help in crafting perfect and totally honest resumes.  

The first knows a thing or two about bigwigs, having just worked for one until somebody there snitched her out. I am of course talking about Katie Zacharia, the woman who lied about passing the bar exam, yet set the bar at what it takes to speak on behalf of the president. Thank you for your service, Katie. 

Next, I’ve brought in an industry professional: someone who is great at technically not lying to you but you know deep down she manifested those words from the soul of cheap deals. Groupon daughter and singer-songslauterer Stella Lefty is in the house everyone! As we speak, she’s adjusting her song “Boston” to be “Cincinnati” instead, just for us! 

Lastly, he got into hot water this week for not keeping his wife’s name out of his mouth, and now he can’t dance with his partner Jenna. It’s Val Chmerkovskiy from Dancing with the Stars! As he comes out, he would like to “show me da wae” by informing me that his wife Jenna and dancing partner Jenna are two different people. 

Now with the panel set, we move to our first strategy: take credit for skills that are adjacent to you in whatever form possible! 

For example, I recently got an email from LinkedIn about an internship at a local bakery. I immediately applied for it and told the baker that I had received Michelin stars for my work. The only thing was that I was referring to Gordon Ramsay, not me. Did you notice? If you knew me, then sure you were a Clever Kevin and knew I was lying. However, if you didn’t know me like these companies, how would you know the difference? In the end, I’ve seen many episodes of Kitchen Nightmares and so I know a thing or two about pouring some love into my desserts. 

The next suggestion has arrived: it being use the power of editing and photoshop to make yourself a more attractive candidate! 

This suggestion can be thought of in two different ways. The first way is by using Photoshop to improve a picture so you look admirable. As an example, I took a picture of a house burning down and cooked popcorn next to it so I could watch the scene unfold. Now, wanting to be a firefighter, I edit the picture to show myself holding a fire hose and the bag of popcorn sitting next to me is now a bucket of water. Wow, how brave this kid is for facing danger and saving lives! 

The other way to use this suggestion is to take the “more attractive candidate” part literally. Listen, somebody’s got to pose for those annual sexy firefighter calendars! Besides, NBC or Netflix is going to run out of hot singles to put on an island to do hot single stuff eventually, so why not choose some ugly ducklings turned beautiful swans a la Summer I Turned Pretty? 

After so long, we have the final suggestion: Bribery! 

Think about it. Who has been too tired of rejection from companies, that eventually they just took the easy road and stuffed a couple Benjamins in the hiring manager’s pockets? Not me, but I’m sure somebody’s done it. Ironically, this suggestion is the one the panel agreed on unilaterally, however I’m noticing a difference in the judging panel… 

Oh no! Katie Zacharia left to bribe Trump for her job back, and she’s left Xavier President Colleen Hanycz in her place! 

Hanycz looks at me with disgust. She hates all my suggestions and is probably going to send me to hell for this. That was until Stella Lefty spoke up and sang: “Blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol C-C-Canadians,” so now I’m certain it’s Stella who is going to hell and not me. 

Val, to lighten the mood, tried doing a Bruno Tonioli impression which did not land at all. If anything, Hanycz has two people to send to hell before she goes after me. 

So, what have we learned here today? Job hunting is a lot like the game Traitors. Only the most conniving will survive, and so you must do whatever’s possible to win. However to the RA who told me I wouldn’t survive a day on Traitors, we’ll meet again and you’ll see how wrong you were to misjudge me.