Minty Medical Madness

By Charlie Gstaslder | Guest Writer

The Anti-Smoking Defamation League, America’s largest tobacco control organization, recently launched its latest anti-vape campaign titled “Stop Testing on Humans.” The campaign focuses on the lack of information available regarding the long-term health effects of vaping.

The League is absolutely correct; We should not allow ourselves to become vape industry lab rats. That important job must be left to government agencies such as the FDA. The government claims that problems linking vaping to health issues result from a lack of test subjects and voluntary reporting. Considering that the majority of our generation is already addicted to nicotine and has no viable path towards quitting, we would be remiss to not capitalize on the population of test subjects.

Therefore, I propose legally requiring that every person living in the United States begin vaping and attending mandatory health screenings. We have too many unanswered questions about vaping: maybe it causes cancer, maybe it leads to infertility or maybe it makes your toes fall off—but without testing, we simply won’t know.

The only way to find answers to these questions is to require every man, woman and child to begin sucking on the matte black sticks we all love so dearly. Think back to the cigarette epidemic in the mid twentieth century. How much quicker would we have been able to link smoking to cancer had everyone been required to light up a pack of Marlboros? How many lives would have been saved? It stands to reason that we wouldn’t even be faced with the vaping epidemic we are now grappling with.

Sadly, we cannot change the past, only the future. So do the responsible thing: put down your Juuls, call your lawmakers and urge them to pass legislation requiring the entirety of the population to vape, then pick them black sticks back up and continue ripping… for science.